The Long Way Back to Me: Finding Normal

Prior to exploring trauma with a new cljozwlqkegtewqncmpsnk5rzwhl5t3lvsrfavzctrxxazlc0ipng0fa8aheic-e2st6d_kgs154ient, I assess their needs and ability to cope with traumatic symptoms. After ensuring stabilization and increasing coping strategies we are ready to begin the arduous journey of unpacking the damage from all the psychological and emotional wounding. For me, writing is a coping skill I use to deal with the traumatic symptoms of adultery. It is a way to make sense of nonsensical things. A way to re-write my life narrative, gain clarity and leave a legacy.

Not every marriage can be saved after an affair. Not every marriage should be saved. Mine was, but it’s been a long way back to me. Since my husband’s confession 16 months ago, I have laboriously toiled through the wreckage of my feelings in an attempt at finding normal (again). I have cycled through intense emotions that at times have been dark and frightening and on other occasions, completely out of character.

Affairs rip families apart; they are devastating to everyone involved. My initial emotions were shock and fear. Shocked that the one person who stood with me before God, family and friends and covenanted to forsake all others had rammed a dagger in my back. This affair partner (AP) actually thought she was taking my man. In my one communication with her I told her to leave my husband alone and she replied, “…It is not for you to say with whom I am in contact with at this time. This is out of line.” In an email exchange earlier that day she told my husband, “I have interviews in North Carolina in December.” Now she was plotting to move to my zip code! The fear that my husband might actually abandon our family for this desperate person enslaved me. I could not shake loose the shackles of anxiety.

His betrayal left no area of my life untouched. As I crossed the threshold from 2015 to 2016, I had but one goal: saving my marriage. We attended marriage therapy for months sifting through the affair details. We stabilized our relationship, repaired the breaches and increased our emotional intimacy. Yet there are still questions I will never have answers to, questions that haunt me to this day. As I stand on the precipice of 2017, my chief goal is to rediscover me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Hurt and The Healer

images-1All of the articles prior to this one were written in October 2015, just weeks after discovering the affair. All articles published from this day forward, I am writing now. Writing about the affair has been instrumental in the healing process. I am not there yet, but each sunrise brings me a day closer to the truth that one day I will be able to look back on this experience without that familiar stab of pain in my soul. My marriage is prospering; we haven’t been this close in years! Personally, it’s a long way back and I feel like I’m clawing my way out of a dark pit.

I lost who I was- I know I am Todd’s wife, I am the mother of Nathan, Kelly, Teagan and Noah. I am a licensed professional counselor and an ordained minister of God. Beyond that, I simply don’t know who I am anymore. I closed my counseling practice in December 2015 and began full time as a therapist at a local psychiatric hospital. I needed a change. I needed to know that I still have some measure of control in what happens to me. I’m just getting through the days the best I can. Praying and hoping God will make sense of my husband’s adulterous affair. For now, I plan to continue writing my blog on A Broken Vow and New Beginning, but I need time to think and process before I publish anymore of my thoughts.

I was able to read some of the emails my husband exchanged with his affair partner. I can’t get one of the comments she made to him out of my head “Each hour I feel that a part of my soul is being torn apart.” This she said in response to his ending the affair. I can’t discard the thought because if she thinks her soul is being torn apart…imagine being the wife of the same man for almost 20 years…I knew we had some problems, but nothing that couldn’t be fixed and suddenly I discover my husband was considering throwing me away like trash for someone who couldn’t measure up to me when I roll out of bed in the morning. This unimpressive affair partner has caused unimaginable pain and sorrow in my soul and our family. Our children, parents, extended family members and a few friends are aware of what happened and they are all deeply hurt.

MercyMe sings a song called: The Hurt & The Healer. I’m including the lyrics in this post because nothing else seems to capture my emotions quiet like these:

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from being explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes it’s rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

[x2:]
Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
And find Your glory even here