Part III: Raw Emotions
I have walked through some dark valleys in my life: my father’s suicide, cancer and raising a child with bipolar to name a few. Yet none of those valleys were as painful and unbearable as the betrayal of my husband. I turned to a support group of friends who allowed me the freedom to lament raw emotions and prayed for me when I ran out of words. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be feeling. I was trying to forgive him; I loved him deeply and wanted to move forward, but how? This fling that he just drifted into consumed my every thought; I wasn’t sure I could survive much less forgive. In my quest for survival, I discovered there were not a lot of resources for couples wanting to reconcile and work through the wreckage.
In this vein I decided to write a book for couples to assist in the reconciliation process. The book (title TBD) is due for publication by the end of 2016 and will provide counsel, guidance, encouragement and a spiritual component, for couples to succeed in rebuilding their marriages. The purpose of this blog series is (1) to help me heal, (2) provide support for couples that have endured infidelity by sharing my story and (3) promote awareness about my book.
My husband continues to wrestle with guilt and shame for his actions. He would like to tuck this whole ordeal away and hide it from everyone who knows us, but what is done cannot be undone. We cannot sweep this under the rug and pretend it did not happen. He has been amazing on this road to healing with me. He’s been willing to respond to all of my questions, even when he knows the answers will hurt. He is not offended when I hurl insults at him during my human moments. He provides strong arms to hold me when I stumble and tender hands wipe away puddles of tears from pain he caused. I know it is difficult for him as I share our story and I am trying to be sensitive to that fact.
The story I am telling is our love story and while it does divulge details of his sins, he is repentant, remorseful and transformed. Adultery does not define who he is. Today I respect this man by my side more than ever. The man I love could have walked away and chosen someone with whom he had no commitments and no history, but he chose me… again. He chose our children and the life that we have been building for two decades. He chose the path of commitment, hard work and honor. He chose the laborious journey of rebuilding and THAT impresses me.